Everything is Terrifying

Stay at current workplace – be made to feel like an incompetent imbecile for the remainder of my days, waiting to either be fired or replaced. Possibly go insane.

Go back to school for something I probably should have gone with ten years ago – can’t afford not to have a full-time job and do this. Might have to stay at current job, or take two huge chance at once and obtain new job and school. Potential for massive debt.  Sidelined for many years. If I can’t hack it I’m no better off.

He wants to go back to Japan. He wants me to go too… Grandmother would have a motherfucking heart attack. What the hell would happen to my cats? And I’d be in Japan. I don’t know if that’s a pro or con.

Jesus Christ how did I end up such a mess?

So When’s My Next Vacation?

Dear Coworkers:

Can you all remember how to do your jobs please? It makes my life a lot easier.

Dear Specific Coworker:

Please don’t make me be the catalyst for why she fires your ass.  Pretty sure a part of you wants it to happen, and I get it, and it’s probably going to happen. But it will give me a case of the sads. Moreso.

Friday

I’m tired of rain.

Was feeling anxious about the amount of people Scheria invited on Friday. Turns out I needn’t have worried – it was the few and the proud who actually turned up, only two of the four were current SW employees. Not sure how I should feel about that. Once I got drunk enough to forget why I was in a terrible mood, I had a lot of fun with the folks who stayed for games. I’m better at air hockey when people haven’t bought me shots though, I swear.

Reason for pre-party terrible mood: Had a cheery (seriously) conversation with my boss about my apparent pending demotion. Yeah. I’m apparently bad at my stupid, easy job.  Nearly thirty and still trying to figure out what I’m good at, if anything. I feel like the second I get my head up above the waves something always shoves me back underwater.

Not a great weekend.  And now it’s over and I get to do it all again.

Alright so…

This week sucked. To make up for it I went drinking with two of the coworkers who still like me.  It was fun – being drunk is fun. Unfortunately my brain was overriding my ability to have coherent conversation on the ride home with the need to pee.

(Pause in this story to laugh because thw cat fell off my desk. Hee.)

Under my extreme embarressment, I’ll focus on the fact that before I lost the ability to speak he called me a friend. And that’s pretty damn good.

Blargh

Dramarama at work. Increasigly paranoid that I am going to get fired.

Have a case number for bankruptcy. Lawyer not optimistic.

Idol is boring this year.

Tired.

Yeah that’s all I got right now…

Not Much to Say Lately

Disconcerted about the lawyer visit Tuesday.

The wheels seem to be coming off at work. 6 menus on the priority this week.

I know better than to be friends with boys with girlfriends.

About 5 minutes at a time is all I can handle at the moment.

Dear Clothing Makers:

I have a waist people.  Swear to god. I tried on a shirt yesterday that was comically unflattering. Not only did I look pregnant, I looked about two weeks overdue.  I couldn’t even be upset about it because it crossed over into hilariously bad.

I want to go here, soon if I can’t muster up the energy today:

Re/Dress

And here on April 4th:

Fat Girl Flea Market

Buckle Your Seatbelts…

This one is a doozy…

I had an hour long meeting about my attitude and the temperature of the department at large today. I was told I had been very critical and “biting” lately.  I was told to get over my repeated attempts to steer away from disaster re: the menu editor.  I was pumped for gossip about my coworkers.  How do I explain this? You are out of the loop because you are a terrible manger and everyone hates you.  I was also given a lecture about manager/underling relations.  I didn’t know having a conversation on the ride home was a problem, let alone any of her business.  Oh and then I got a gentle email reminding me that mental health services are covered by our insurance.  So many things were wrong with today I can’t even blog coherently about all the different ways this day was made out of fail

Here’s an excerpt from an email I sent another coworker, with some of the more personal details edited out:

Here are things that make me angry:

I want her salary for doing her job. She told me today I should just handle ALL the RDS stuff without her involvement. What does she do again?

Stop telling me I need to act on my own, and then invariably tell me I am wrong.

Stop asking me to gossip about my coworkers. If I think something is a problem, I def. bring it up of my own accord. Any conversation that occurs outside of 232 Madison, especially if I was drunk, is none of her business.

Either I help with staffing decisions or I don’t. Don’t demand I do what is very clearly your job (to me) and give you a half assed hours breakdown that plays with anyone’s employment, and then dismiss me when I tell you I have no use for a temp anymore. Her menus are steadily getting worse as her departure date nears.

She does not treat people equally. There are heroes and there are goats. I’ve been on both sides of the line multiple times, and her moods seem to change with the tides.

We don’t have a nap room

Sarah found the SeamlessWeb Gift Card page. Through google, she couldn’t find it on the real page either. They are VISA gift cards – fedex overnight shipping for one is 27 bucks. That takes balls.

The menu editor sucks and our IT department is ghetto and or largely incompetent. Want me to pretend otherwise? You’ll probably have to start buying me Prozac.

So many things are wrong. I need a vacation.

Today

Still hate my job and still on the verge of financial ruin, but today one nice thing happened, that while probably not very significant, made me be not miserable for the duration of the day.

It really takes so little to make me happy…

How is it March already?

Ow. I think I crippled myself trying to get my front door after the cat ripped up the carpet in front of it.

One more day of work. Today was so busy it was laughable, couldn’t even get stressed.  Could be pretty cranky about some passive-agressive bullshit in the morning though.

Got a much needed haircut after it took me 20 minutes to get the knots out of my hair this morning. Little shorter than I wanted, but I’ll live.

Maybe some corn fritters this weekend if there’s no weather to freak out my grandmother.

Probably nothing on Saturday as per usual.  Maybe The Watchmen. Maybe not though. I have a feeling it might suck. Though It’s playing in Bay Ridge so I can see it in the cheap (if crappy) theater. Maybe I can talk someone into going… probably not though. I try for some optimism here and there (believe it or not, on rare occasions).

I’ve gotten three hours of sleep pretty much all week. I hope to not have a repeat tonight.

I’m going to eat pancakes.

I’m trying. It’s hard.